How we are divided by a common language

BETWEEN THE LINES

I HAD hoped that on the change of administration in Holyrood, the language of government would improve. Over the early years of devolution, official Scotland fell victim to some of the worst excesses of New Labour managerial jargon.

It became manifest across all areas, particularly arts and culture. Economics and business has not been immune. While there has been some improvement, the resort to "Buzzword Bingo" is sadly still evident.

So here, with help from the Centre for Policy Studies, which has just published a guide to the worst Labour excesses in contemporary Newspeak, is a 2008 lexicon to have handy while reading official public news releases.

BENCHMARKING – Clipboard activity suggesting that measuring a problem is the same as doing something about it. Gives illusion of purposeful action, as in David Milliband: "A diversity of approach allows us to spread risks, to test out different ways of working, and to benchmark best practice."

BEST PRACTICE – procedure determined by a committee of consultants; ignorance of precedent. Often used with BEST VALUE – the most expensive option available.

BLUE-SKIES THINKING – Uncosted ideas for further government activity; concoction of impractical or non-implementable notions (see Council of Economic Advisers).

COLLABORATION – Term used to disguise murderous in-fighting and tribalism, as in "Glasgow-Edinburgh collaboration".

COMMUNITY GROUP – Special interest group with a grievance, or group of people a politician wants to flatter or appease. Participation in community not relevant.

CONSULTANT – Ubiquitous figure with tell-tale leather-bound notebook and expensive briefcase, paid large fees to (a) disguise government failure and (b) tell politicians what they already know.

COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS – Back-of-envelope calculation to prove original hypothesis. Should not necessarily imply rigour (eg Holyrood parliament building, rail and road improvements, Forth crossing costings).

CREDIT CRUNCH, GLOBAL – Ready made excuse for any over-run on any project or any delay in any payment.

CUSTOMER – Someone who has no choice over the public service he or she is obliged to use.

CZAR – Well-paid head of a quango who is appointed to demonstrate activity in dealing with a problem (not to be confused with solving the problem).

EARLY INTERVENTION – Attempt by social welfare professionals to shuffle responsibility for any social ill or problem on to the source of the problem – nursery school teachers.

EMPOWERMENT – A process of ensuring that citizens do what the government wants, as in community empowerment.

ENGAGEMENT, ENGAGE WITH – Appearance of doing something about a problem.

ECO – Three letters to attach to any development seeking a fast track through the planning system.

ECO-HOME – A house made with planks.

FRAMEWORK – Incoherent set of ideas; a miscellany. Often used in conjunction with "National" and "Strategic" to give "three lemons" bonus pay-out in Buzzword Bingo..

FRONT-LINE WORKER – Anyone employed in the back office of a local authority.

GOING FORWARD – Term used to put the maximum possible distance between previous policy disaster and bold new initiative.

GREEN GDP – Measure of environmental activity so long as it excludes trees and wind turbines; do not confuse with green GDP: dull green algae on most recent set of Scottish GDP statistics.

KEY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS – Arbitrary, unmeasurable, percentage measures based on benchmarks (see above), infinitely revisable and open to the most optimistic interpretation.

MIND MAPS – Maze-like doodles deployed by the enterprise minister to break up long blocks of text or inject visual aid into speech. Unlike mazes, there is no obvious solution.

MISSION – Statement of non-achievable targets by out-of-office politician.

MULTI-AGENCY: Policy areas where no-one is responsible.

ROAD MAP – Term used to give false appearance of plan or route through unchartered territory.

SMART SUCCESSFUL SCOTLAND – Web link disabled; no longer operational.

SOCIAL– Attempt to gain approval for any activity or enterprise. Flushed out by F E Hayek 35 years ago: "If you put the word 'social' in front of any serious word, you reduce it almost to meaninglessness." (as in social housing, social responsibility).

SUSTAINABLE – Meaningless all-purpose adjective used to gain approval (as in development).

STAKEHOLDER – Anyone with any interest in a service or utility apart from (a) those who have to use it and (b) those who pay for it.

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